Short summaries of romantic comedies

Sabrina, 1954: Audrey Hepburn tries to commit suicide in a very large garage, which leads Humphrey Bogart to fall in love with her.

Pillow Talk, 1959: Doris Day trashes Rock Hudson’s apartment. Alcoholism is funny.

Working Girl, 1988: Sigourney Weaver has really nice stuff. Melanie Griffith is from Staten Island.

When Harry Met Sally, 1989: Two sad people get together so they won’t “die one of those New York deaths that nobody notices until two weeks later when the smell drifts into the hallway.” Princess Leia marries Bruno Kirby.

Pretty Woman, 1990: The prostitute-next-door gets a makeover and takes a bubble bath, but must also cope with Richard Gere’s existence.

The Cutting Edge, 1992: DB Sweeney — or is it Paul Rudd, and can you even tell the difference? — learns how to use a toe-pick even though he’s a fully grown man and should know that shit by now.

Groundhog Day, 1993: Andie MacDowell has excellent hair.

Sleepless in Seattle, 1993: A crazy woman dumps Bill Pullman for a stranger she’s never met. The stranger’s young son has a pretty cool chair in his bedroom.

Speechless, 1994: A smart, successful political speechwriter risks her whole career by hooking up with a Republican. The Republican is played by Michael Keaton just a few years post-Batman, so it’s normal for her to do that.

The American President, 1995: A crazy lady dates the president of the United States, who is also crazy and sends her a ham because the florist passed out when she saw him. Annette Bening has the most beautiful shoulders of anyone in history.

French Kiss, 1995: Meg Ryan gets stranded in France, then helps cover up a felony.

While You Were Sleeping, 1995: A crazy woman who doesn’t even have her own coat cons a whole family into thinking she is engaged to their rich, comatose son. Bill Pullman splits his pants on icy pavement.

Sabrina (1995): People have chauffeurs who they let live on their property and whose daughters they acknowledge are human. Harrison Ford.

Clueless (1995): Alicia Silverstone plays a girl named “Cher,” and we’re all relieved when she finally hooks up with her step-brother, Paul Rudd. (Or is it DB Sweeney? What if they’re actually the same person???)

One Fine Day, 1996: Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney are both single parents and busy people, so they go to Serendipity 3 for iced hot chocolate.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs, 1996: Janeane Garofalo is not Uma Thurman, and therefore only deserves to date actors you’ve never heard of, and even then only because she’s funny.

My Best Friend’s Wedding, 1997: Julia Roberts is insane, and mean, and insane, and tries to ruin a wedding, and this isn’t romance, and it’s not comedy, and I don’t know why it’s on this list.

Ever After, 1998: Drew Barrymore carries a prince and convinces him to establish a public university system. But, you know, this is literally a Cinderella story.

You’ve Got Mail, 1998: Bookstores exist, and people use AOL. This is the last tolerable Meg Ryan movie ever made.

10 Things I Hate About You, 1999: Julia Stiles is a grumpy high schooler, and so is Heath Ledger, so obviously they should date. Bonus Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Never Been Kissed, 1999: Drew Barrymore is a reporter who goes undercover as a high school student and falls in love with her English teacher. We’re fine with the fact that he’s a teacher and she’s his student and they’re in love, and also with her lying about her age and identity.

Notting Hill, 1999: We are supposed to believe Hugh Grant is only a mild asshole.

She’s All That, 1999: Reverse Carrie. High school proms include bizarre but enchanting choreographed dance routines.

What Women Want, 2000: We don’t know yet that Mel Gibson is a crazy misogynist.

Serendipity, 2001: John Cusack is still hot. That stupid ice cream restaurant has another moment in the spotlight, making the area even more unbearable for pedestrians who have places to be.

Kate and Leopold, 2001: Why are you still watching Meg Ryan movies, y’all? The writers are now trying to tell us that Meg can only have romantic love if it comes with time travel and probably typhoid. This is definitely because of the thing with Russell Crowe.

Bridget Jones’s Diary, 2001: The most insane woman in the history of the genre dates her boss, Hugh Grant, who is of course an asshole and doesn’t deserve her (or anyone), so instead she hooks up with Mr. Darcy.

The Wedding Planner, 2001: Early J. Lo in an ‘always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ role. She screws up an incredibly expensive wedding and probably loses her most of her clientele.

Maid in Manhattan, 2002: Nothing says hot sexy romance like J. Lo working as a hotel maid and a single mother. She’s living either in poverty or on the very edge of it, but it’s all good because then she finds a rich politician to adopt her.

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, 2003: Two rich, egomaniacal assholes have shower sex on Staten Island. A Gin Blossoms song plays during the denouement.

500 Days of Summer, 2009: Nope. We’re done here.

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Miss Banana Biker: An anagram for Sabrina Kim Banes. Also on Twitter.